The unspoken language of…
March 5, 2005 by admin
Filed under best of, what the...
…love the office. If a picture is better than a thousand words, then a person’s body language has got to "speak" volumes. A lot of the focus on body language at work has been on how to avoid looking all twitchy and nervous. Not much is mentioned about how to use body language to get people out of your office. And I’m not just talking about that bare-toothed hiss that you’ve perfected. Here are a select few tips for your unspoken pleasure. Some are classics, others are more subtle. All are effective…
The Thousand Yard Stare
When you’re done listening, but your conversational counterpart isn’t done talking, consider the Thousand Yard Stare. Simply gaze at something way in the distance. Even if there’s nothing but an unadorned wall behind them. This is so unnerving that most people stop talking almost immediately. The effect increases exponentially the farther you direct your eyes from their face. Staring directly over their shoulder is the most subtle and the farther your eyes stray from theirs, the more intense the effect. For additional oomph, throw in the Slack Jaw, where you breathe through your open mouth while staring into the distance.
The Slow Clap
The Slow Clap is exactly what it sounds like. S l o w c l a p p i n g. When your conversational counterpart says something particularly inane, the Slow Clap may save you some words you’d later regret. Three claps, adequately spaced, is usually sufficient to drive the point home. Use sparingly, as this technique drips with sarcasm and, when used unwittingly, will cost you friends. This is such an audible technique that somebody ought to include an example in their podcast.
The Stand
This is a powerful classic. Sometimes you’ve just got to get someone out of your office/cubicle so you can resume your solitare game. When other tactics fail, turn to The Stand. It’s simple to implement. Just stand up. Take it easy, though. Too fast and you look like you’re about to rush to the restroom. Too slow and you look like you’re stretching your legs. No need to say anything upon rising. Just stand. If you’re cramped for space when you stand up, don’t give in–they’ll move. Often they’ll just say so long and be gone. If they don’t take the hint, place your hand on the door to your office, or the edge of your cubicle opening. If all else fails, take advantage of their need to draw a breath and say, "Well, thanks for stopping by."
The Lip Smack
I must admit, this is a personal favorite. So much a favorite that it’s lost some of it’s effectiveness around my office. Everyone knows what I’m doing and they just make fun of me. I hope it works out better for you. To implement the Lip Smack, simply pretend that you’re chewing gum loudly. The slower the better. Envision a cow chewing cud–that’s about the rhythm you’re aiming for. Don’t be afraid to show that tongue. If your conversational counterpart hasn’t witnessed the Lip Smack before, they’ll be temporarily struck dumb. As I mentioned, this effect eventually wears off and they begin to make fun of you. You’ll become a caricature of yourself. So don’t overdo it.
The Fast Walk
Nothing says "urgency" like The Fast Walk. Incorporate The Fast Walk into your daily routine and watch people stay away from you. Turn it on as soon as you park the car at the office. The Fast Walk says you’re busy. Combined with crossed arms, it says you’re really, really angry. Unless you’re walking in the direction of the restroom–use your own imagination to understand the unspoken message here.
Febrezeing
There isn’t a lot to say here. If people see you spraying Febreze on the seat of your chair, they won’t come around much anymore. By the way, Febreze really does work!
I think I’ll stop now. You can see the downward spiral that’s happening here. Anyway, these are just a few tips learned along the flourescent illumined corridors of my working life. Hope it’s helpful along your way. Of course, there are many, many more bits of body language that you’ll encounter at work. Some are explicit, others more subtle. We may revisit this another time. Well, thanks for stopping by.
Oh man - Febrezing almost had me doing the fast walk to the bathroom! Soon to be a classic!
Reminds me of a story a friend of mine told about some guy who faked a heart attack (yes - really) during a performance review she was giving him. He could tell she was working her way up to letting him go. Used a couple of weeks of medical leave to look for another job, apparently.
Hahaha… how true it is! Great post.
Love the Febreze part, as well… does my P&G Home Care Marketer’s heart proud. (Note: if you spray your office with Febreze Air Effects, people will actually come around your office more often. The stuff smells great, and people notice.)
My personal favorite is to turn back to my computer and start typing while still looking at them giving them the “uh-huh, uh-huh”’s. It works really well.
2 that work for me:
Mouth out “fuck you” without actually uttering any sound. A little nod after works really well. And arch the eyebrows. Not a good one to use on your boss, unless it’s the exit interview.
Stare at their crotch, with an absolutely unreadable expression on your face. Oddly this seems to work on members of the same sex as well, or better, than members of the opposite sex.
I’ve actually found that slapping myself in the face a few times works well.
If they ask, tell them to GET THEM OFF MEEE!
Ok, I’ve tried using all of these and they just don’t work — How do I get my mom out of my room?
–not yet office age
—You’ve been Fark(.com)ed!
Oh yeah, this one works well: “My personal favorite is to turn back to my computer and start typing while still looking at them giving them the “uh-huh, uh-huh”’s. It works really well.”
Reminds me of this - http://homestarrunner.com/sbemail37.html
Another one that works is deliberately referring to them by the wrong name. Suddenly, “John” becomes “Mustafa”.
Another one: ask a totally random question out of thin air. If they’re complaining about lack of resources for their project, ask them if they think Annika Sorenstam will win the PGA this year. Or if Bounce is better than Downey fabric softener. If done seriously and with earnestness, your reputation for kookiness will explode.
I have discovered through personal experience as well as various research reports that the most effective approaches are even more subtle than those given above. For example, try shouting, “I’m Santa Claus,” and then jump on top of your desk and take a dump, attempting to get the fecal matter as close to the subject whom you wish to leave. The jucier the better. After you bend a biscuit on the desk, attach a sticky note to a toothpick and plant it firmly in the center of the aforementioned stanley steamer. As you do so, proudly state that you claim this poo in the name of the Queen of Isabella of Spain. Finish by singing “Oh, Canada” while masturbating with a pizza (it’s the cheese that gets you off).
More subtle than mouthing ‘fuck you’ is to rub your eye or forehead with an extended middle finger. You have to keep a straight face. THIS one you can use on your boss, if you can play dumb about it.
Silent farting is a great way to finish off a conversation. Also helps to (anonymously) break up hallway powwows, if the noise is disturbing you; or to punish the people who don’t get off the elevator with you. Or you can drop a bomb in an enemy’s office after you drop by to chat. The silent fart is so, so useful.
To get rid of a yapping woman, alternate 5-10 seconds of uncomfortably direct eye contact with one long glance at her boobies. Repeat over and over for maximum effect.
Try this one. After you have heard enough from the intruder to your office, just start making a sound like you are constipated and really trying to go to the bathroom (kinda like a very prolonged grunt). They will inevitably stop and ask “what is wrong?”. This is the opening you are looking for…just say: I am trying to give a shit…but I just cant! This works all the time and stops conversations immediately. Use sparingly and to those that do not hold your livelihood in their hands.
I have a trick that usually works, though you can only use it once or twice a day. I just say:
“Food!” and start looking around my desk. Or “Cookie”.
I’ve also used the “Desktop Yoga” technique, where I just start doing stretches, starting with my feet.
Worked well for me. Hung a sign on my door that read “YOU ARE UNWELCOMED GO AWAY” didn’t get a lot of visitors.
Thanks those are great!
i prefer a burp (juicy, kinda pukey) and then a gentle exhale to waft the scent the intruder’s way.
try to eat a crave case before executing.
Here is the trick I use, because I have a major problem with people visiting and hanging around. I keep my desk phone’s headset on… so everyone assumes I am always on a call.
I just keep my door closed all day every day. People leave you alone when your door is closed and you won’t answer the phone.
I’m not sure if anyone mentioned this already, but quickly looking at your watch while someone is talking always works for me
I haven’t seen this classic mentioned:
If you are trapped in a boring meeting and have thought ahead, you can page yourself ten minutes into the meeting.
Then, jump up and run off to fix your crisis when the pager goes off.
You’ll be out of the meeting, and at the same time look like a hero for being the one that fixes these things…
SOmetimes you can preempt a visit altogether just by staring at your monitor screen with either a quizzical or annoyed expression on your face (both at the same time is best)! Few people will want to piss you off and stick around.
I’m with Lono, except I keep my wireless headset on when I walk around the office. If I can tell someone’s going to bug me I start talking as if I’m helping someone on the line.
Good Stuff here!
I’ve got a sure winner although it’s /not/ non-verbal. When a meeting has gone on too long, or the person just won’t STFU, the old; “Man, I need some coffee.” - followed by walking away *immediately* - works wonders.
Enjoy!
My favorite trick is to get a third person involved in the conversation and then while they are talking put back on my headphones and get back to work.
How about the “Rasta” preemptive defense? Just start talking with a really bad Jamaican accent, and be sure to say “mon” at th end of every sentence.
“Yah, that reports on your desk, mon!”
“Can I borrow your stapler, mon?”
“There’s fresh coffee, mon!”
“I think the copier needs toner, mon!”
People will avoid you like the plague.
BTW, this may not work if you’re in Jamaica.
Hi…I just have one method…Simply look at the person’s forehead…that’s right…not into their eyes or anywhere else…look at their forehead…stare at it…frown and make faces like there is a big zit there…try it…It’s very distracting…
Dude…Maxim Radio on Sirius just totally ripped of your screed! I don’t know who the DJ is, but it was around 4:45 EST today. He was reading directly from your site like it was his own material. I even called in and told the call screener that the DJ needed to give credit where credit is due. Bastards!
when the pointy haired boss makes a “funny”. the slow claping quickly gets them out of your cubicle feeling as if they are the next johnny carson.
Nice article…
Everyone knows somebody who needs to be ASSed! Nail the slacker with Liquid Ass… I did!
Find it at… http://www.liquidass.com
Well, well, well… Pretty good, huh?
Guys, do learn these tricks for a PEACEFUL office life!… hahaha
Best wishes…