FRANWORST FRIDAY: Richard Quick, Esq. Launches Cold Stone Pizza
January 9, 2009 by Sean Kelly
Filed under :-) Humor, FRANWORST FRIDAY, PIZZA TIME
(Humor) Our story of the Pizza Time franchisee who cut off the heat on his employees outraged some, but inspired at least one. Beloved billionaire Richard Quick, Esq. has create an exciting new abuse-inspired franchise: Cold Stone Pizza.
Check out the Cold Stone Pizza announcement on Quick’s FranWorst.com site. Here’s a taste:
“American consumers love pizza. They love a bargain. And they love to see people worse off than themselves.
“Now, QuickCo Franchising has combined America’s passion for pizza, low prices and the misfortune of others into one exciting concept: Cold Stone Pizza!
“If you’re looking for a lucrative way to combine your love of money with your disregard for your fellow man, the Cold Stone Pizza franchise is the opportunity you’ve been looking for!
A flash of inspiration from Earth’s #1 millionaire-maker
What inspired this genius idea? America’s beloved millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. says “I was reading the moronic website Franchise Pick. There was a big uproar about some franchisee who makes his pizza shop employees work in sub-freezing temperatures without heat. I thought: What’s the big deal? None of these altruists were offering to pay an extra buck a pizza to heat the pizza peons. I thought: If these phonies thought they’d save 50 cents, they’d make’m work without lights, too.”
“Then the light bulb clicked on. Eureka! Another Multimillion dollar idea! ”
We abuse our employees & pass the savings on to you!
Doesn’t the public care about employee welfare? Explains Quick: “Sure they do. Until they see our 2 Large Pizzas For $4.99 Special. That’s delivered price, with choice of two toppings. The Chinese can’t offer pizzas at those prices.”
A Proven Concept Tested & Refined for Days
Millionaire Quick, Esq. immediately assembled his top development team to create a lowest-cost, lowest-overhead pizza delivery franchise. They eliminated the unnecessary frills of their bloated competitors, including heat, employee bonuses, incentives and fair pay, fire extinguishers, smoke detectors, toilet paper, latex gloves, hand sanitizer, and the use of motorized vehicles. Profit sharing was replaced by expense sharing, with food and supply purchases charged to employee’s personal credit cards.
The Cold Stone Pizza HR team developed innovative ways to recruit low-cost, abuse-tolerant employees, including DUI recipients, Megan’s Law honorees, illegal aliens, and former franchise brokers. Read more about the COLD STONE PIZZA FRANCHISE.
Do you have what it takes to succeed with the Cold Stone Pizza franchise?
[Disclaimer: The Cold Stone Pizza franchise is in no way affiliated with Cold Stone Creamery, wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin, or specialty retailer Cold Stones, Rocks & Stuff]
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Yes, I understand the esteemed Law Firm of Quick, Cheatum, Steele and Hyde were the great minds behind this new entry into the Pizza market —Cold Stone Pizza —the best pizza and the best price on the market.
The are definitely on a roll. Did you see the new Wiznos promotion? It’s called the
LB. O’ FLESH Value Meal.
I believe Carol will especially like the logo.
Wow!!! the Wiznos LB. O’Flesh Value Meal is bound to be a winner and will definitely flesh up the gross sales of those lucky Wiznos franchisees when customers stand in line to get those 2 for 1 bargains –again, and again and again!
Ah! American Genius at Work. More than one way for a franchisor to press the flesh and show that he really cares!
Wiznos is sure to make Entrepreneur’s top 10!
Almost forgot that adorable LOGO that probably came out of the Mind of a Marketing Genius who didn’t mean to offend the franchisees — or to remind them who was boss —and meant only to amuse and entice the general public. Who wouldn’t be charmed by the view of an adorable imp peeing outside of Wiznos?
It could lead to PonU Fridays where there would be 3 for 1’s —–such genius!
I believe the Wiznos strategy is much like the Cold Stone Pizza strategy, except instead of “We neglect our employees and pass the savings on to you,” it’s “We abuse the franchisees and pass the savings on to you.”
Kind of like a certain shipping franchise’s philosophy.
Be sure to click a few ads when you visit. I’m sure Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. is suffering in this economic downturn.
Wiznos:
http://www.franworst.com/2009/01/09/wiznos-sub-launches-lb-o-flesh-value-meal-promotion/
Yep! It looks like things are tough all over but the franchisors are still BIG on TV Advertising and bring us our favorite programs on our Boob Tube.
I’m sure Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. is feeling a lot like “poor Richard” because, of course, advertising revenues go down as well during recessions.
Maybe he’ll have to get into PORN or BOOZE that still sell during recessions. Les Stewart of Franchise Fool, and I are trying to get into this big money industry through the back door.
If you Google Up Franchise Fool, Les Stewart, today, you will see that he wrote about the Pizza Franchisor Lil Caesar coming to Canada and offering VET discounts.
He sites ME as a source and when you Google UP “Carol Cross” you can see that I am actually a Porn Star —maybe interesting in franchising “fan stores” for ladies of a “certain age.” What do you think?