Symantec Anti-Virus Marketing Guys Look To Make Lemonade By Playing on Fear of Spammers

I think it was Franklin Roosevelt who said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And having your computer crash.”

Or maybe that was Jim Roosevelt in the IT department.

Symantec, in its February 2009 MessageLabs Intelligence Report, said spammers are “using the current shaky economic conditions to their advantage.”

I haven’t been this surprised since I found out Amy Winehouse had a drug problem.

The report also noted that car salesmen often use higher gas prices to sell more fuel-efficient cars, vegans use food illness outbreaks to promote going organic and Al Gore uses anything that happens anywhere on the planet to promote his climate change nonsense.

Not that Symantec, a leading manufacturer of computer security software, might not spin the data a tiny bit to their advantage…

Despite the volume of spam being down 1.3 percent on the month, the Symantec report maintains spammers were capitalizing on economic conditions because, for a few days early in the month, spam levels were above the previous month’s readings.

Which is kind of like saying the Arizona Cardinals won the Super Bowl because, at one point, they were leading the Pittsburgh Steelers.

In a related story, politicians in Washington were totally not playing on economic fears by imposing a massive stimulus bill on the country according to a report in Mad magazine.

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Using shaky economic conditions to his advantage…

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Image: garryknight on Flickr

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Not Sure I Actually Still Have Two Cents… 

The Senate has passed the latest Wall Street bailout costing $700 billion.  That’s a lot of money.  That’s like what Meg Ryan spends on collagen.

The Securities and Exchange Commission has temporarily banned short-selling, the practice of making TV commercials featuring Gary Coleman.

You can breathe a sigh of relief now because it looks like the crisis gripping our nation is ending.  No, the stock and credit markets aren’t settling down.  More important: Microsoft is pulling those Bill Gates-Jerry Seinfeld ads.

The U.S. Mint has unveiled new designs for the penny to celebrate the 200th anniversary of Lincoln’s birth and the fact that a penny is what your savings is now worth.

Two-thirds of U.S. corporations and foreign corporations doing business in the U.S. paid no federal income taxes between 1998 and 2005.  According to the congressman who ordered the study, “It’s shameful that so many corporations cheat the American people.  That’s Congress’ job.”

On her trip to NY, Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin met with Henry Kissinger, Afghan President Hamid Karzai, and Colombian President Alvaro Uribe.  Then she shot them, and skinned them.

A new poll shows that 18% of likely voters don’t know what they’re going to do on Election Day.  But then, 90% of politicians don’t know what they’re doing every day.
 
Because of a misprint in a NJ telephone book, callers who wanted to reach a county political committee instead got a phone sex line.  Not so far off.  Politicians, especially in Jersey, end up screwing you.

German police arrested two terrorist suspects on a plane bound for Amsterdam.  Holland is a top target for Islamic terrorists because a Dutch guy made a movie that uses verses from the Koran and implies they promote violence.  Apparently, this is considered a major insult.  In other words, we’re not terrorists and if you say we are we’re going to blow up your country.

Tokyo is a fashion capital so it’s not surprising that they recently held a fashion show, but this one was for adult diapers.  According to one of the organizers, “Diapers are something that people don’t want to look at.”  True, but mostly they’re something people don’t want to smell.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoed a bill that would have penalized California drivers sharing the driver’s seat with dogs or other animals.  So, you can still cruise the freeway with Marilyn Manson in your lap.

Annoying illusionist David Blaine completed a stunt in which he hung upside down in Central Park for 60 hours.  Doctors say this could lead to Blaine’s blindness, paralysis, even death.  If we’re lucky.

Bernie Mac Doing Slightly Better

Nerves remained raw in financial markets after last week’s steep decline in shares of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, which together finance about half of U.S. homes. Investors also remain concerned about the economy after regulators had to takeover the failing bank IndyMac.

“Ultimately, we do not view these measures, dramatic as they look, as a sign that the downturn will be much worse than previously believed,” Goldman Sachs economist Jan Hatzius wrote in a note to clients. “On the other hand, I would not recommend heavy investment right now in M.A.C cosmetics, Mack Daddy, or Miss Mary Mack.”

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Baaaad investment strategy

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A survey released Monday by the National Sleep Foundation found roughly one-third of those surveyed said they had fallen asleep or become very sleepy at work in the past month.  This is bad news for the economy since one-third of workers are sleepy and two-thirds are stupid.

Just how big a deal sleepy workers are depends, of course, on the job. Last week, Dr. Dale E. Klein, the chairman of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission acknowledged it’s probably not a great thing that security guards routinely took naps while on the job at a Pennsylvania nuclear plant.  “On the other hand,” said Dr. Klein, “I think we’d all sleep a lot better if President Bush would nod off a little more during work hours.”