Scrolling Headlines Don’t Scroll Unless You Do — November 18, 2008

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Vaccine For Skin Cancer To Be Available ‘In Five Years’
New Drug To Replace Current Vaccine More Commonly Known As Suntan Lotion

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Obama To Appoint Hillary Sec’y Of State If She and Husband Can Pass Vetting Process
In Other Words…She’s Got No Shot

I ain’t sayin’ he’s a gold-digger..but he ain’t hangin’ with no broke world figures..

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Auto Bailout Said To Be In Jeopardy
“I’ll Take ‘Throwing Money Down A Rat Hole’ for $800, Alex.”

“And may I remind our contestants — please make sure your requests for bailout money are in the form of a whiny, groveling question…”

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Home Depot Profit Down 31%
Expected Employee Cutbacks Mean Consumers Will Now Have to Walk An Average of Three-And-A-Half Miles To Find Sales Help

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Home Depot Profit Down 31%
Stores To Feature New ‘Do-It-Yourself Earnings Repair’ Section

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Yang Stepping Down As Yahoo! CEO
Company Expected to Name Yin New CEO In Effort To Keep Universe Harmonious and Balanced

“Be water, my friend…and oh, yeah — don’t forget to take the money when somebody offers you a good deal on a buyout…”

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Paulson, Bernanke Offer Defense Of Financial Bailout
Will Emphasize That Only More Regulation And Phony Accounting Can Help Economy Crippled By Regulation and Phony Accounting

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Paulson, Bernanke Offer Defense Of Financial Bailout
Say No Harm In Wanting To ‘Make It Rain’ For Auto Companies, Credit Card Companies and ‘A Few Close Friends’

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Paulson, Bernanke Offer Defense Of Financial Bailout
Will Explain To Congress Why Current Bailout Doesn’t Have Anything To Do With Original Plan, Why Staggering From One Patchwork Solution to Another Is So Expensive

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Automaker Chiefs On Hotseat In Congress
Congress Points Out to General Motors CEO That Heated Seats Now Standard With All Appearances Before Senate

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Feds Say San Francisco Has More Pot Clubs Than Starbucks
According to Gov’t, Clubs Also Have Longer Lines, More Laid-Back Staff and Better Selection of Cookies

Pass go, collect $250 worth of Doritos

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Feds Say San Francisco Has More Pot Clubs Than Starbucks
Agents Blame Contact High For Figures That Are Off By Over 25%

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Feds Say San Francisco Has More Pot Clubs Than Starbucks
Clubs To Raise Prices On Weed To Bring It More In Line With Ethiopian Sumatra Dark Roast

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Feds Say San Francisco Has More Pot Clubs Than Starbucks
Proliferation of Clubs Leads to Increased Orders For Venti Vanilla, Lo-Fat, Half-Caf, Sugar-Free, No Whip, Super Skunk

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Photo credit: EveryStockPhoto.com
Photo credit: EveryStockPhoto.com
Photo credit: EveryStockPhoto.com

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