– Sarah Palin To Step Down As Governor, Looks To Replace Billy Mays As Product Spokesperson –

In a stunning move, Sarah Palin today announced she was planning to resign the governorship of Alaska in a few weeks in order to concentrate her efforts on a second career as a product pitch person for such well-known products as Oxy-Clean and the ShamWow.

Either that or she’s going to run for President in 2012.

Palin made the announcement at press conference held in her Wasilla home in a surprise move sure to delight Democrats and Republicans alike.

Republicans are said to be overjoyed that the most exciting personality they have will be able to devote more time toward a Presidential bid and have a full four years to learn to string together coherent sentences.

Democrats are tickled pink that Palin will be a loose cannon criss-crossing the country and Tina Fey will remain on Saturday Night Live for the foreseeable future.

Palin has announced plans to travel the country by helicopter and take potshots at roving herds of animals and gatherings of more than six registered Democrats.

In a couple of related stories, Katie Couric’s contract has been extended and Hillary Clinton has announced plans to hang herself.

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“Gotcha! And I’m tellin’ ya, I’m gonna be surprisin’ ya on a more regular basis goin’ forward…”
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Image: Zuma Press

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– Noted Choreographer Expected To Add Back-Up Dancers, Pyrotechnics To Already Heavily Staged Press Conferences –

With polls showing the move to national health care running into resistance, the White House has decided to pull out all the stops in its efforts to sell yet another wildly expensive initiative to taxpayers.

Officials have said that, in addition to stage-managed town hall meetings and pre-packaged questions at press conferences, many in the Obama camp feel they need to “kick it up a notch” in terms of selling their plan for socialized medicine.

“With unemployment the highest its been in 26 years, record drops in consumer confidence and all the film clips of Michael Jackson’s performances circulating, we felt we needed to bring in a professional to help choreograph the pitch for national health care,” said one official.

“Paula Abdul brings just the right blend of experience to this task. Not only has Paula created choreography for some of the hottest musical performers of the past 15 years but her experience in negotiating the maze of prescription drug plans is also unrivaled.”

Ms. Abdul said she would like to see more half-naked back-up dancers and an increased reliance on smoke machines in order to further distract the general public from the costs and drawbacks of a federally-managed health care plan.

“We could call the back-up dancers Pussycat Doctors. What do you think, people? Anyone?” asked Ms. Abdul to a largely puzzled media gathering.

In critiquing the President’s health care plan, Abdul said President Obama “needs to learn to make health care his own” but that she loves his outfits and “just wants to squeeze him.”

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Paula Abdul wants to help march country toward socialized medicine…

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Image: Zuma Press

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– Uh, You Know … Probably Not –

There’s an old Scottish saying that it’s better to buy a man a beer when he’s alive than to cry at his funeral when he’s dead.

So, while I believe Michael Jackson was an important cultural touchstone, a brilliant pop songwriter and one of the best dancers of our generation, I’m already tired of the posthumous Michael Jackson hype.

And, everybody … stop saying, “His music will live forever.”

Maybe it will last for a couple of generations but, even if you believe in global warming, “forever” is a long-assed time.

I’m pretty sure there was a Babylonian version of Michael Jackson and they probably said his music was going to live forever, too. Guess what? It didn’t even make it past the Renaissance.

Am I being too harsh? Can we say Michael Jackson’s music will last hundreds of years?

Hmmm. Remember the most popular entertainer from the Civil War?

Yeah. Neither do I.

I’ve heard of Elvis but only because his music occasionally shows up in a mash-up or a Nike commercial.

So, maybe as long as Pepsi and Nike are around, Michael’s music may still be with us.

How quickly does a generation’s music fade? When somebody hollers out “Elvis!” my first reaction is to look around and see if I can spot Elvis Costello.

I’m really not trying to be a kill-joy here. We should celebrate the life of an amazingly talented performer who captured our imagination throughout his career.

And, in a couple of years, maybe even go to Vegas to get married in a chapel by a Michael Jackson impersonator.

In the meantime, I’m going to try to stop hummingBillie Jean. That song’s been sticking with me for the last three days.

That isn’t really that long but, when you’ve got a melody in your head like that, it seems like forever.

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These guys were going to live forever, too…

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Image: Zuma Press

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– Film Massively Over Budget Due To Excessive Salon Costs –

A former aide to John Edwards, who once took responsibility for impregnating Edwards’ mistress Rielle Hunter, is writing a book.

Among the revelations sure to ruin your appetite at this year’s Fourth of July picnic are reports that the book details a sex tape Edwards and Hunter made together.

Despite furious bidding, the project is said to be way over budget due to expenses attributed to “hair stylists and products.”

Accountants reviewing the film’s budget for Hustler Magazine were said to be shocked when shampoo costs, detailed only as “Mane ‘n Tail,” topped out at over $80,000, shattering the previous sex tape hair care record of six dollars set by Paris Hilton in 2004.

An accountant who asked to remain anonymous noted, “To be fair, ‘Mane ‘n Tail’ might not have been a shampoo expense but rather code names for the film’s two participants.”

Either way, the accountant explained, the Edwards-Hunter sex tape violated two cardinal rules of successful amateur porn.

“First, it cost over $500 to make,” noted the CPA.

“And, second, no tape has ever made money where the guy was way better looking than the girl getting humped.”

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Top 10 Euphemisms For John Edwards Having Sex
1.) Bringing Bill RH-69 to the floor
2.) Filibustering
3.) Ramming legislation through chambers
4.) Introducing you to the ranking majority member
5.) Making a campaign contribution
6.) “I’m John Edwards and I approved this massage.”
7.) Scheduling a joint session of Congress
8.) Being present for roll call
9.) Voting with his head rather than his heart
10.) A lame duck session

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Image: Zuma Press

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– Experts Predict Michael Jackson Merchandising Will ‘Out-Tacky’ Elvis; Top 5 Tasteless Jackson-Themed Products Forecast –

If you’ve ever been to Graceland, you know that what happens to a cultural icon after they die is way worse than anything they experienced while they were alive.

Seeing a fat Elvis perform in Las Vegas in a sequined jump-suit is one thing; seeing him immortalized wearing the outfit in a velvet painting is punishable by jail time in many civilized countries.

It’s hard to imagine what merchandising tie-ins will be forthcoming for a weirder, more troubled and more drugged-out musical legend.

But we can try…

The Top 5 Tasteless Projected Michael Jackson Product Tie-Ins

5) “Who’s Bad?” Bubble Bath For Boys — Turn bath time into fun time! Everything about Who’s Bad? Bubble Bath is designed with your child in mind — from the bottle shaped like a gloved hand to just the slightest trace of alcohol (for a cleaner, germ-free kid). Each bottle comes with a $15 million money-back coupon if you decide the product’s not right for your child. Best of all, with conditioners and aloe, Who’s Bad? promises to be gentle.

4)The “Thriller” Baby Bungee — Don’t be fooled by the “Baby” in the title, the Thriller Baby Bungee is a professional-grade bungee apparatus. The cord and sling can serve as a child harness on flat surfaces but wrap the handle around any well-secured object and you’ve got a thrill-seeker’s dream toy. You’ll be a hit at kids’ parties and at hotels all over Italy.

Order now and we’ll include a free DVD: How To Incorporate The Thriller Bungee to Help Control Your Child’s Behavior. Child psychologists have proven that idle threats carry more weight when a child is occasionally tossed off a bridge only to rebound safely into their parent’s arms a few terrifying seconds later. The Thriller Baby Bungee — made in China, for extra thrills.

3) “It’s Black, It’s White” Heavy Duty Face Cleanser and Exfoliant — It’s Black, It’s White, It’s Better than Botox! Sure, you’ve heard that claim before — probably seventy-three times today alone in banner and pop-up ads. But, unlike other exfoliants which use fine granules to smooth skin and reduce fine lines, IB/IW Exfoliant doesn’t mess around. We use industrial-grade gravel mined on the grounds of Neverland Ranch. Guaranteed to change your skin color with regular use, IB/IW will also help soften sharp-angled noses and help highlight the natural shine of your cheekbones as they protrude through your skin. Tested on animals … because human subjects screamed too much.

2) “Man in the Mirror” 50th Anniversary Michael Jackson Porcelain Mr. Potato Head — The race to be quickest to market with the most tasteless capitalization on Jackson’s death will undoubtedly come down to either Spencer Gifts or the Franklin Mint. So, don’t be surprised if you see the Michael Jackson 50th Anniversary Porcelain Mr. Potato Head advertised in this weekend’s Parade Magazine. Made of hand-painted, fire-glazed porcelain, the M.J. Mr. Potato Head features all five of Jackson’s hairdos and all 83 of his noses. Take advantage of the special 10 for the price of eight offer and you’ll be able to arrange your M.J. Potato Heads on your mantle in a retrospective of Jackson’s career from the Jackson 5 up to his anticipated comeback tour — represented by Jackson as a french fry.

1) “Wanna Be Startin’ Something” Defibrillator — Now that’s what I call Universal Health Care. Universal appeal, that is. Tapping into the singer’s immense popularity, Johnson & Johnson has announced a new bedazzled defibrillator designed for the hip and trendy EMT. Combining the expertise of the first name in medical supplies with the flair of the first name in music, the Wanna Be Startin’ Something Defibrillator is sure to turn heads from the minute you pull up to a non-breathing subject and pull off the cover of the sequined machine which is shaped like the hat Michael wore in his Smooth Criminal video.

The first 50 emergency rooms to order the Wanna Be Startin’ Something Defibrillator will have their machine personally signed by Michael’s doctor who is currently on sabbatical while he searches for a country without an extradition treaty.

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It’s a weird world when it takes 7-10 days for a reversal of credit charges to appear on your account, but you can get Michael Jackson memorial buttons before they’ve finished the autopsy…

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Image: Zuma Press

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– At Neverland Ranch, Michael Jackson’s Entourage Scrambles to Find New Spokesman for Singer’s Memorabilia –

Last Thursday was pay day for all the hangers-on and enablers of Michael Jackson, but their camp was thrown into disarray when it was announced over the weekend that famed TV pitchman Billy Mays had died.

“Let’s face it,” said Jackson’s personal pharmacist who has a book coming out tomorrow, “Billy was the only infomercial guy who had the stature to hawk all the tasteless crap that will be coming out over the next 10 years.”

With Mays no longer available to shout rhyming couplets about upcoming Jackson products, members of the singer’s entourage are said to favor a celebrity spokesman to represent their interests in the upcoming memorabilia tsunami and have contacted a number of D-list celebrities who have some tangential connection to Jackson.

Ryan O’Neal has volunteered to serve as a consultant but is said to have been highly critical of the Jackson camp for not filming the last months of the singer’s demise.

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Even baking soda can’t get the stench of opportunism out of Neverland Ranch…

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Image: Zuma Press

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– And Not With The Price of a 175-Square-Foot Studio Apartment, Either –

New York City used to be a fun place.

On any given night you could walk through Times Square and watch naked college girls earning their tuition, stroll through Washington Square Park to price-shop for weed and still have time to get jumped on the subway back uptown to your studio apartment that was so small it was done up in wall-to-wall mattress.

Ah, the good old days.

Now, you might as well live in Utah.

Times Square has a Baby Gap for crissakes, you can find families picnicking in Washington Square Park and the only hassle you’ll get on the subway home is from the Transit Police if you put your feet on the seat next to you.

It makes being a Mormon suddenly sound edgy.

The whole point of living in New York is that it’s supposed to be a little wild and a little dangerous. The city has always prided itself on being an urban Galapagos meant to weed out the slow, the uncool and the dim-witted.

Perhaps no one has done more at de-hipping and pussifying New York than Mayor Bloomberg. You can’t smoke in bars anymore, you have to post calorie counts for every calzone and you can call a special hot line if your neighbor is making too much noise killing a hooker.

They shouldn’t call it the Big Apple, they should call it the Big Buzz Kill.

So, I guess it’s not all that surprising that the city is proposing yet another regulation to protect people from themselves. The city is considering a regulation that would require all cigarette retailers to post large signs detailing the dangers of smoking.

As CBS News reports:

The eye-level signs would have information about the harmful effects of smoking, possibly with an image .. to display gruesome health effects such as amputations and throat cancer.

There was a time when, confronted with a PSA showing a black lung, any self respecting New Yorker would’ve scoffed at the scare tactics and said to the deli owner, “F**k that. You wanna see scary? Check out these seventeen knife wounds I got on my way over here. You gotta sewing kit so’s I can stitch these up?”

Who are these signs directed at anyway? At this point, even people in the mountains of Tibet know smoking’s bad for you.

I think any self-respecting social engineer should be able to make the case that, if you made it past the third grade and you still don’t know that cigarettes cause cancer, society needs to thin you out of the gene pool either by letting you smoke, ride a bike without a helmet or operate an industrial table saw after taking Nyquil.

Do you really want to scare smokers? Tell them they have to pay for their own health care.

You’ll cut the rate of smoking in half by the end of this weekend.

And if the city really want’s to invest in large signs with an important public safety function, how about putting up a sign showing what’s going to happen to the dude that waits in line for 10 minutes and then can’t decide what he wants when he gets to the counter at Starbucks.

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You know what’s really scary? Paying $1800-a-month for a studio that’s not rent-controlled…

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– Getting Down With Charlie Brown –

Man, I love the Internet. Where else could Sly and the Family Stone get a chance to jam with the whole Peanuts gang?

I’m going to have to remember to close the shades facing the neighbors when I use my cereal spoon as a microphone, though.

That and put some clothes on…

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Lil’ sumpin’ sumpin’ to get you through the midweek doldrums…

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– Says He’s Sorry For Heterosexual Fling, Insists In Future He’ll Try To Get Caught With Gay Staffer –

In an emotional private scene with fellow GOP lawmakers, Senator John Ensign made a heartfelt apology to his fellow party members for not only having an affair, but for making it a heterosexual one.

“I’m aware that the high standards of hypocrisy set by Larry Craig and Mark Foley have been compromised and for that I’m truly sorry,” said Ensign.

According to Politico.com, Senator Ensign was greeted with a round of applause from fellow Republican senators who were said to have been appreciative of Ensign’s attempt to uphold a long-standing tradition in the Senate of wrecking a promising career with a somewhat-less-than-attractive campaign staffer.

Ensign is considered an early favorite for this year’s John Edwards Award.

In a related story, Ensign resigned from the Republican Policy Committee last week but said he would not give up his role as Elaine’s boss, Mr. Peterman, in old Seinfeld re-runs.

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J. Peterman or J. Ensign? You make the call…

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Images: Zuma Press

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– Federal Agency Wants Expanded Powers To Go After … Wait For It … Wait For It … Bloggers! –

Thing must be pretty slow over at the FTC these days.

George Carlin is dead and can’t speak to the absurdity of trying to regulate speech, Howard Stern is on satellite radio where he can say whatever he wants and Janet Jackson is about 135 pounds overweight so no one cares if she shows her tits or not.

But in the regulation-fest that’s going on in Washington, D.C. these days, the FTC apparently feels the need to stake out some additional ground.

That’s not as easy as it looks. Most of the regulation has been spoken for already. The Secretary of the Treasury is now in charge of setting pay for bankers, designing cars for GM and picking out curtains for your new dining room.

The Fed wants broad authority to investigate whomever it feels like, to commit taxpayer funds as it sees fit and to be exempt from “limit two per customer” specials at their local supermarket.

If anybody asked them, the Bureau of Indian Affairs is probably looking for the power to tax any sports teams which feature a Native American mascot.

With all that, it’s hard for the FTC to find something else to regulate so that they, too, can justify a bigger budget.

But you should never underestimate the feral cunning of government bureaucrats.

The FTC decided they should be given the power to investigate bloggers who recommend products in their blogs.

As I sit here sipping my Diet Coke with Lime while typing on my Apple computer in a lounge chair I bought at Ikea and remind you to click on all the great vendors here on Bizzia, I started to feel like I was one of the bloggers being targeted by the FTC.

Fortunately, that’s not the case:

Any type of blog could be scrutinized, not just ones that specialize in reviews.

So parents keeping blogs to update family members on their child’s first steps technically would fall under the FTC guidelines…

… they would need to think twice if, for instance, they praise parenting books they’ve just read and include links to buy them at a retailer like Amazon.com Inc.

Well, that’s a relief. It’s not like the FTC wants to target companies that promise to make me look 30 years younger, guarantee hundreds of sexy girls in my town looking to sleep with me or help me make a fortune working from home. They just want to regulate everybody. That certainly seems like a reasonable approach.

But, you may be thinking, what kind of rationale could the FTC possibly dream up to justify such an extensive dragnet?

Rich Cleland, assistant director in the FTC’s division of advertising practices explains: “If you walk into a department store, you know the (sales) clerk is a clerk. Online, if you think that somebody is providing you with independent advice and … they have an economic motive for what they’re saying, that’s information a consumer should know.”

You can tell the FTC is new to this whole “broadening of powers” thing. If you want expansive, draconian powers you need to justify it with some first-class fear mongering — preferably related to national security, the collapse of the entire financial system or global warming.

And you also need to tell people that what they know you’re doing is not really what you’re doing.

What Rich should have said was, “These people who blog and make $3.27 a month off affiliate marketing could be using the money to support terrorists or make a down payment on a foreign-made car. It’s up to us to stop it by proposing a reasonable plan that strikes a balance for limited oversight that only applies to the 50 million people who blog worldwide. We can take up regulating recommendations people make in casual conversation at a later date.”

In a related story, the FTC said it doesn’t care about product placement in Hollywood films because it doesn’t believe anyone would be influenced to buy a product just because they saw Ashton Kutcher use it in a movie.

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“Honestly, Bob. I had no idea the link on that guy’s blog pointed to this awesome porn site…”

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Thanks to Miki Saxon over at Leadership Turn for the head’s up on this story. I’d recommend her blog whether the FTC likes it or not.

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Image: Zuma Press

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