Governance Rules Learned with our Kids

Having children is something that changes you. Priorities that seem crucial before you have kids don’t loom as large after.

The further I got into parenting (and supervising people) the more I recognized that I needed to adjust my attitude about work and negotiations. Being in charge didn’t mean I got to make unilateral decisions all the time. Nor was every single decision negotiable and democratic.

In our house, we developed some principles for family rules:

• Establish principles and values, then negotiate rules that embody them.
• Avoid inequity, threats or coercion.
• Everyone has a right to express their feelings and argue for a rule change.

We borrowed from Barbara Coloroso a few additional principles:

• Parents should get involved in children’s decisions when something is morally wrong or life threatening.
• Our family tries to be a Backbone Family, rather than a Brick Wall Family or a Jellyfish Family.
• Parents need to let their children learn the natural consequences for their choices.
• The consequences need to be logical and acceptable to the parents.

These principles led to the following rules:

Burke/Eggertson House Rules

• Be fair
• Be kind
• Be safe
• Be well

We found that these rules covered just about every situation. We would get more specific when necessary, but always based on these main rules.

Want to go for a bike ride without a helmet? Is that safe?

Teasing your sibling? Is that kind?

Want to borrow money you can’t pay back? Is that fair?

You get the idea.

When faced with two opposing stories about a situation, we borrowed another concept from Coloroso:

• The parents will listen to the dispute when both children can agree on one description of the situation.

We tried to give our children the consistency and freedom they needed to develop personal responsibility and good self-esteem.

No, we weren’t perfect parents. But the rules helped keep us on track.

And whenever I find myself in a work situation that requires leadership, I have our house rules to fall back on.

They’ve hardly ever failed me.

What about your house? Any rules you want to share?